Nurturing Spirituality in the Family

Spirituality, an important concept, is connectedness with Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala), ourselves and the world around us. For Muslims, it is intricately tied to our religious practice, taking Islam beyond rituals, rules and routines to a way of life that is shaped by our relationship with our Creator. Our spirituality helps us to define who and what we want to be in our relationship with Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) and with others. This aspect of our religion may easily become neglected as we focus on the prescribed religious actions, without the spiritual connection.

There is a significant relationship between our spirituality and our family relationships. For many of us, we learned what we know about religion, faith and spirituality from our families. How families practice religion generally influences its members views, beliefs and practices. For most people, the quality of their relationships and the quality of their spirituality tends to influence each other. When we are close to Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala), we are more likely to treat others better. We tend to be more forgiving and flexible, increasing the likelihood that others want to be with us. As we treat people well, they are more likely to treat us well in turn, thus creating a positive feedback loop. At the same time, when people experience happiness in their relationships, they are more likely to experience a positive state. This positive state typically leads to increased motivation, which can result in an increased spiritual connection to prayer and other types of worship, all of which can increase spirituality.

There are many benefits to improving spirituality. Of course the most important benefit is that we feel closer to Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) and experience a greater awareness of His presence in our lives. This awareness brings great comfort and helps protect against feelings of loneliness, isolation, being overwhelmed, and other negative emotions. There is an increasing body of research that spirituality has many health benefits as well. For example, children who develop a sense of a loving higher power, are less likely to suffer from depression or to engage in substance abuse later in life. Prayer and spirituality have been linked to lower rates of stress and anxiety, as well as higher immune functioning and brain health.

When we are focused on our relationship with Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala), we are more likely to take the time to reflect about our lives, goals, daily interactions with others and whether we are living in a manner that is pleasing to Him. It is this type of reflection that forces us to slow down from this fast paced life and focus inward on our values and on constantly striving to become better human beings. Focusing inward takes us away from thinking about what others are doing, comparing ourselves to them, and competing with them. The outward focus is what can lead us to become more stressed as we get trapped in wondering why someone has more than we do, beating ourselves up for not accomplishing some material success or another, or worrying too much about the future and events beyond our control.

As we strengthen our relationship with Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala), we are more likely to be optimistic, generous and compassionate. These qualities are core ingredients for healthy and successful relationships, both inside and outside of our families. As we notice and take in the blessings that are all around us, we will feel more grateful and appreciative. This feeling of gratitude is a key ingredient to feeling content and happy. Again, we can create a positive feedback loop because the more we notice the blessings in our life, the more grateful we feel; the more grateful we feel, the more connected we feel to Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala); and the more connected we feel to Him, the more likely we are to notice His blessings.

Increasing Spirituality in the Family Begins with You

The first place to start is by assessing your own level of spirituality. It is important to start with the obvious and make sure you are doing the basics, which include prayer, fasting, giving sadaqah, and reading Qur’an. Spend some time reflecting on your values and asking yourself if you are living in accordance to your values. For example, if you value honesty, are you being honest in your dealings with others? If you want to be a kind person, are you being kind to yourself and to others? It is critical to make sure that the way you are living matches the values you hold. When people’s lives don’t match their value system, they are more likely to feel guilt, stress, and self-hate.

As you work towards increasing your spirituality, take some time to identify what helps you as an individual feel more connected to Allah swt in addition to the mandatory acts of worship. Some people may feel more connected while making dhikr in solitude, while others may feel more connected to Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) when they are in nature. It is important to know which activities are most meaningful to you, so that you can make sure you engage in them regularly. These activities might include praying or fasting more nafl, making du`a, reading the Qur’an while focusing on a particular topic like forgiveness, reading stories from the life of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, or listening to an inspirational lecture. Other activities that can increase spirituality include volunteering in a homeless shelter, visiting the sick, learning how people have overcome adversity, or reflecting on the many miracles in nature and creation.

In order to feel more connected to Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala), remember that you can cultivate your relationship with Him as you would any other relationship. The key ingredients are quality time and communication. Spend time talking to Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala), remembering that He is the waliyy (friend and protector) of the believers, always there, closer to us than our jugular vein, and He promises to hear and answer the call of each one of His servants. He is there even when no one else is, or when it’s too late to call a friend, or when what is troubling us is too private to share with anyone. He is more understanding and forgiving than any human being could be because He created us and knows us so intimately. And He loves us more than any human being could love us, because we belong to Him.

Many people feel bad if they have neglected their spirituality, feeling embarrassed to turn back to Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala). It is important to remember all of us will go through times when we have very high levels of spirituality and other times when we experience a dip in it. The most important thing to remember is that we can always get back on track if we fall off because Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) is always there for us and ready to receive us anytime we turn to Him.

Creating a Spiritual Environment at Home

In addition to the ways mentioned above in which spirituality can enhance your relationships, there are many things that can be done to cultivate an environment at home in which spirituality thrives. All too often, people consider spirituality a private matter. While it is true that our relationship with Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) is a personal one, speaking about it and sharing your experiences with your children and your spouse can have a stimulating and inspiring effect. Every person has had some experience in his or her life that was spiritually significant, a time when hope was gone or a problem seemed unsolvable and Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) opened the door to the solution in a way that no one could have imagined. These experiences are important to remember and to share. The more we pay attention to and remember these experiences, the more we will notice the many other ways in which Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) is always there for us.

Talk to your children about how close Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) is to every human being, and how much He loves each one of His creations. Help your children see examples of His mercy everywhere around us. In order to avoid portraying Islam as simply a list of behaviors that are haram and halal, make sure to explain the reason behind each of our rituals and rules. Focus on what benefit we gain by practicing these aspects of Islam, and how pleased Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) is with us when we obey Him. For example, in the same way you would explain to a child that brushing teeth prevents cavities, make sure to let your children know that prayer connects them to Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala), and that it will also keep them emotionally healthy because it can prevent stress. In order to maximize the benefits of prayer, make prayer time a positive experience that leads to connecting with Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) who will in turn help facilitate the connectedness of your family, insha’a Allah.

The benefits of praying together as a family cannot be over-emphasized. Although it may take some planning and strategizing to align busy schedules, it is well worth it to gather everyone together for at least fajr and `isha. These times can become part of your children’s positive memories if you make them pleasant. Make a family du`a together after prayer, check in with each other about your day, and make sure to remind your children how pleased Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) is with them because they chose to pray. Avoid criticism and focusing on what your child didn’t do perfectly; instead focus on what they have done correctly. So even if a young child stands for a few moments before going off to play, praise them for standing or making sujud. The more you praise your child, the more likely that your child will want to pray. The more you pray together, the more you are offering your child the example of how to pray. As anyone with children can attest, children at a very young age will begin copying their parents before they even have a clue what prayer is about. Unfortunately, parents can often unwittingly thwart this natural tendency by getting upset at children when they are playing or being silly during prayers, or if they didn’t pray ‘perfectly’. When children see that their parents come together for prayer, and that prayer time is a pleasant time, they will naturally want to be part of the good time.

Another way that you can strengthen and develop your own spirituality and spirituality in the family is to take one name of Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) each week and reflect on the ways that quality has manifested in your life. For example, for al-Razzaq, notice all the ways Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) has provided for you. This can be turned into a game with each person trying to come up with the most examples. Make du`a using the different names of Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala). For example, when someone is sick, call on al-Shaafi. in this way, you and your family can learn more about Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) through His qualities.

Practice gratitude. Although many of us say Alhamdulillah as part of our dhikr after prayer, try to slow down and be conscious each time you say it. Identify something you are grateful for with each “alhmdulillah.” Then pause and notice how you feel in your body, as you are experiencing gratitude. See if you notice your body relaxing or your heart feeling lighter. As you practice this type of deep appreciation, you may notice feeling calmer, more hopeful, more energetic, and more connected to Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala).

Be conscious of how you spend your time. How is what you are doing contributing to your akhirah? Trying to be ‘productive’ in seeking material gains can distract us. However, what is more productive than developing your relationships with Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala), yourself, and with your family? Ultimately, it is these relationships that will matter much more than any wealth we have accumulated or any status we have achieved. Encourage your children to ask themselves the same question about their activities. This kind of thinking develops a constant mindfulness of Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) and our purpose in life.

Finally, practice forgiveness. It is important to remind oneself of one’s shortcoming and flaws in order to be more accepting of others’ shortcomings. When we ask Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) for forgiveness, we must trust that He will forgive us, as He has promised. And then we should remember to forgive ourselves, knowing that He created us to make mistakes and that He loves for us to turn to Him in repentance. When others hurt us, which in inevitable since all humans are created to make mistakes, then we should make du`a for that person to be forgiven by Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala), so make du`a for ourselves to have forgiving hearts. As we forgive others, we are modeling for our children and family. Although we may be tempted to teach by preaching rather than by setting an example, we should remind ourselves that Prophet Muhammad ﷺ was extremely effective at creating change simply by modeling his relationship with Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala).